Where is the line between “healthy” and “doomed” in a relationship? How can you prevent yourself from getting stuck in a failed relationship?
Learning a list of relationship deal breakers is one of the best ways to protect yourself from getting hurt and getting stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t suit you at all.
Below you will find six typical relationship deal-breakers that indicate unhealthy bonding between partners.
If an intimate partner cheats once, they will do it again. Of course, you can give them a second chance, but it would be foolish to forgive them a third time.
Only in movies and books do the main characters go through endless adultery and scandals, and in the end, they make up and find marital happiness. But unfortunately, in real life, this rule does not work.
If one partner consciously cheats, they show their depreciation and neglect of the other partner. They don’t care about their partners’ feelings or broken hearts.
According to data provided by the General Social Survey(GSS), 13% of women and 20% of men reported having sex with someone other than their spouse while married. And according to reports from the LA Intelligence Detective Agency, 68% of women and 74% of men surveyed admit they’d cheat if it were guaranteed they’d never get caught. In brief, we can conclude that most potential cheaters are stopped only because this can negatively affect their image.
For everyone, the concept of cheating is different. It can be not only sex but also a kiss. It will be helpful if intimate partners clarify this point.
However, adultery is never accidental (not to be confused with rape and harassment – the victims are not to blame for what is happening). You should not deceive yourself and justify your partner. And even more, do not blame yourself for what happens. You are not bad. It’s that person who doesn’t value you.
2. Abuse in the Relationship
Top relationship deal breakers include abuse and any other forms of physical and emotional cruelty. Whether you’re dating or married, a healthy relationship is all about respect. Partners should treat each other the way they want to be treated.
If one partner harms the other physically or emotionally, this is a severe violation of relationships and human rights. Many people believe that if it happened only once, it doesn’t mean it will happen again. However, ask yourself, don’t you deserve better treatment and respect for yourself? The offender does not deserve your attention and time.
Abusers usually do not immediately show their true nature. First, they “hook” the victim and enfold the net so that they can not run away.
Abusers are excellent manipulators. With every manifestation of physical or emotional cruelty, they will ask for forgiveness, promise not to do it again, give gifts.
People who have been physically and emotionally abused often experience Stockholm syndrome. Because of this, people get stuck in traumatic relationships, losing the ability to get out on their own. They need professional help.
Therefore, at the slightest sign of abuse, run away from the relationship as fast as you can.
3. You’re a Secret
Another of the biggest relationship deal breakers is one-sided relationship secrecy. A partner may pressure the other partner to keep the relationship a secret for no clear reason.
There are three common grounds why an intimate partner hides their relationship:
- They are embarrassed by their partner;
- They are already in a relationship, and the other partner is their side piece;
- They can not commit.
If you find that your partner has not told their family or friends about you, you should end the relationship. Your time is valuable. Spend it on someone for whom you will not be a dirty secret.
4. They’re Always Jealous
Jealousy is the most obvious and common deal breaker. There are two types: healthy and unhealthy jealousy.
Healthy jealousy can help couples not take lovers for granted. It can also motivate couples to appreciate each other and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued.
Healthy jealousy also makes emotions more intense and makes love feel more passionate. Such jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship in small, manageable doses.
However, you should never tolerate unhealthy jealousy. Excessive or irrational jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship and can be life-threatening.
Unhealthy jealousy occurs when one of the partners is doubtful, does not believe that their partner truly loves them, and is afraid of being abandoned. It is one of the signs of distrust in a beloved one and low self-esteem.
This type of jealousy is also characterized by:
- Constant control through meetings and talks;
- Paronoidical state regarding the partner’s feelings and actions;
- Displaying unusual insecurity and fear;
- Stalking or following a partner to confirm whereabouts;
- Infringing on the partner’s freedom or prohibiting them from seeing family and friends;
- Texting an intimate partner non-stop when the couple is apart;
- Demanding logins and passwords for bank accounts, social media, mail, phones;
- Checking a partner’s social media correspondence and voice messages 24/7.
If you notice even one of these signs in your partner, you should run away from them as soon as possible.
5. You Have a Different Vision For the Future
No matter how much partners love each other, different values and views on the future will be a huge challenge for their life together.
Constant disagreements and unwillingness to compromise can turn into endless scandals. For example, your partner wants to have five children in the next ten years, but you want to focus on your career. Or you want to live in an apartment in a big city, while your partner wants to live in a village and have a farm.
Your time is priceless. Therefore, if you have serious intentions and want to build a common future with your partner, you should identify your values and outlook on life in advance.
Deal Breaker Relationship Questions
Before committing yourself to a partner, you should ask these questions to each other:
- What things won’t you compromise on?
- What is cheating for you?
- What are your top priorities?
- What is your “ideal” partner?
- Do you want children?
- Where do you want to live for the next five years?
- How important is sex to you?
- What are your plans for the next five years?
- Do you want a future together?
- Will your families and friends be a problem?
You can also add to your dating deal breakers list of questions to clarify important aspects of the relationship.
6. They Fight Dirty
When intimate partners argue, in the heat of anger, each of them can say words that they will later regret. However, there is a big difference between this and using a fight to insult and humiliate someone.
If, during a quarrel, your significant other:
- Calls humiliating, rude names;
- Recalls the past to hurt your feelings;
- Uses your past relationships as a way to rebuke or humiliate you;
- Accuses you and justifies themselves instead of solving the shared problem;
- Uses gaslighting.
Then you should consider ending this relationship.
Healthy relationships are based on fair conflict resolution and open communication. And not on hurting or blackmailing each other.
Deal breaker statistics
In addition to the common deal breakers for men and women listed above, there are several additional ones.
In an interview conducted with 2,744 single Americans. Respondents highlighted which deal breakers prevented them from building relationships. You can see some of the results below.
|Deal breakers in Relationships|
|Deal breakers||Overall %||Men%||Women%|
|Too much TV/video games||33||25||41|
|Does not want kids||14||13||15|
|Lacks a sense of humor||54||50||58|
|Lived 3> hours away from me||49||51||58|
We’ve talked about deal-breaker examples and questions. Now it’s time to list things that should be in a healthy relationship.
You Can Communicate Clearly
Open and clear communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When both partners can express their needs and desires, they feel comfortable and free with each other. As a result, there is a special bond of trust.
By developing communication, partners can listen and hear each other. A 2018 study showed that couples are happier in a relationship when they maintain constant positive contact with each other.
Among other things, clear communication helps to resolve problems and find a compromise solution.
You Have Total Trust in Each Other
Trust is another part of a healthy relationship that connects different areas. Couples should trust each other regarding loyalty (no unhealthy jealousy), finances, decision making, parenting, etc.
In addition, trust concerns not only material fields and feelings but also weaknesses.
Intimate partners should learn to “bare” their souls without fear of being hurt. Accordingly, the “receiving” side should not intend to use weaknesses against a beloved one (remember paragraph 6 of dating deal breakers for guys and girls.)
It would help if you kept in mind that trust is fragile. Once destroyed, trust is not easy to restore.
You Respect Each Other
There is one amazing idiom: love me, love my dogs. It is about respect and acceptance of a person and their outlook on life.
In a healthy, happy relationship, partners appreciate each other and care for each other with their actions and words. They respect and accept the opinion of their lover, even if they disagree.
You Respect Each Other’s Boundaries
Intimate partners need to understand that they are two different people with their separate needs and characteristics. Everyone needs a personal space surrounded by boundaries.
Boundaries are a necessary characteristic of healthy relationships. They do not mean alienation, but only the right to personal space. They include the following:
- Physical boundaries (needs for individual freedom, physical needs, and comfort with touch);
- Emotional boundaries (all about honoring and respecting feelings and energy);
- Time boundaries (time for work, home, hobbies);
- Sexual boundaries (agreement, consent, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy);
- Intellectual boundaries (respect of ideas, thoughts, and curiosity)
- Material boundaries (jewelry, house, car, etc.).
Empathy means trying to feel what an intimate partner experiences and give them support. It’s not about solving a problem that has arisen. It’s about being there for your loved ones during difficult periods for them.
Empathy will help you see things through your partner’s eyes. And over time, you will find that you have become even closer to each other. After all, empathy promotes mutual understanding.
You Have Physical Intimacy
Healthy relationships also consist of intimacy. You don’t have to have sex every day, but you can’t refuse it either.
Intimacy is all about touching, kissing, hugging, and making love. These activities will bring pleasure to the relationship and strengthen your bonds.
The importance of physical intimacy depends on the individual. Therefore, partners should discuss their desires, preferences, and sexual fantasies. Lovers should not feel embarrassed.
On the contrary, it will only bring them closer and increase their level of satisfaction.
In matters of sex, couples should also compromise and not immediately refuse each other’s proposals. Who knows, you might like it too.
You Spend Some Time Apart
This item is related to personal boundaries. Couples need to spend some time apart to “make time to miss each other.”
First of all, people are divided into extroverts and introverts. Introverts already, by nature, need a place where they can spend time alone.
However, spending time apart does not necessarily mean being alone. It includes spending time with friends, separate vacations, shopping, etc.
When people get into a relationship, they don’t need to be together 24/7. It can lead to oversaturation with each other. And as a result, it can contribute to frequent conflicts.
Also, this topic is closely related to trust. When partners are apart, one side should not have questions about whether the other side really went to see friends, and so on.
You Have Disagreements
No relationship is without controversy. If partners never have problems in a relationship, this may signify that the couple is ignoring problems. As a result, it can lead to a breakup.
Minor conflicts are not a threat to relationships. However, the partners should be willing to resolve them amicably.
As long as your arguments are reasonable, they can help you learn more about your partner and relationship. A healthy relationship is the willingness to work on your relationship and overcome misunderstandings together.
Relationships require commitment and effort from both partners. Faced with minor deal breakers, couples can still save their relationship. However, it is worth considering whether your suffering is worth it in more severe cases.